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Unity Church of Castro Valley

Sunday Message for November 5, 2006

How Do You Change Others?

Do you know the legend of Narcissus?  Actually, when I looked it up, I found that there are several versions of the story.  He was a young man who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty.  He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned.  At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called the narcissus.

But let me give you an alternate ending to this story that I read in the book The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. When Narcissus died, the goddesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.
“Why do you weep?” the goddesses asked.
“I weep for Narcissus,” the lake replied.
“Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus,” they said, “for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand.”
“But… was Narcissus beautiful?” the lake asked.
“Who better than you to know that?” the goddesses said in wonder.  “After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!”
The lake was silent for some time.  Finally, it said:
“I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful.  I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected.”

WE SEE OUR BEAUTY IN OTHERS

I love this story because it is our story.  When we see beauty in another person, it is because we recognize that there is beauty in ourselves.  We cannot see outside our own paradigm.  And we were created with a pretty fantastic paradigm because we were created in the image and likeness of God.

It says in (2 Corinthians 3:18) “And all of us, with unveiled faces, seeing the glory of the Lord as though reflected in a mirror, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit.”

So we can see beauty in others and in the world because there is the beauty of Spirit within us.  We can see the Christ in all other people when we recognize the Christ within ourselves.  The world is nothing but a mirror, reflecting back our image. And when we see the ‘glory of the Lord’ then we are transformed into that same image because we were created in that image.

WE SEE OUR FAULTS IN OTHERS

Conversely, when we see faults in others, it is because we think that there are faults in us.  The world is our mirror and we see out there, what we believe of ourselves.

So, how do we change those people out there that are so flawed?  You don’t – you change yourself.  Other people are only a reflection of you and your belief system.  Trying to change other people is like looking in a mirror and trying to change the image.  The image in the mirror won’t change until you change.

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

Our parents are the first people we learn to imitate, the first ones whose behavior we mirror.  Dorothy Law Nolte, PhD wrote something called Children Learn What They Live. Let me share it with you:

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

So that person who is condemning your actions is someone who grew up with criticism.  And that person who is always picking a fight with you, grew up with hostility.  And if it punches your buttons when they do it – then you need to look within yourself.  What is it within you that attracts that behavior?  What are they reflecting back to you that is part of your behavior?  And if you were secure with yourself, why would their opinion bother you?

All the people in our lives are just mirrors for the flaws that we need to fix within ourselves.  Oh yes, I know, it’s much easier to blame them for being so awful.  But it’s much more productive spiritually to fix that within you that responds to them. It says in (Matthew 5:48) “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

When you change, their comments will no longer affect you.  When you change, they won’t be able to pick a fight with you.  In fact, when you change, you will no longer attract that kind of person in your life.

Bad things do happen.  But while it is true that wrong conditions exist, they couldn’t remain unless there were someone to experience them.  Consequently, the experience must be in our consciousness.  Change our consciousness and the false condition will disappear.  If we properly understood, we would be able to remove false conditions as easily as Jesus did. He knew, but our faith is weak.  When we strengthen it we can do all that He did, and more.

We are in the world and there is a purpose to that.  The world is all right when we view it correctly.  Who knows what would happen if all people would speak the truth?  It has never yet been tried.  The world has never yet followed the simple ethics of Jesus, even though we all proclaim to be Christians. 

LAW OF ATTRACTION

Our thoughts can attract to us that which we first mentally embody.  What we learned as a child has become a part of our mental makeup, a part of our inner understanding.  Every person is surrounded by a thought atmosphere, an energy.  This mental atmosphere is the direct result of their conscious and unconscious thought. This, in its turn, becomes the direct reason for, and cause of, that which comes into their life.  Through this power we are either attracting or repelling.  Like attracts like and it is also true that we may become attracted to something which is greater than our previous experience, by first embodying the energy of our desire.

Everyone automatically attracts to himself just what he is.  We can count on the fact that wherever we are, however intolerable the situation may be, we are just where we belong.  There is no power in the universe but ourselves that can free us.  People might help us on the road to realization, but to make it permanent we have to change the consciousness of our own life and thought.

We must bring ourselves to the place in mind where there is no misfortune, no calamity, no accident, no trouble, and no confusion. We have to get to the place where there is nothing but plenty, peace, power, Life and Truth.  Every day, we should affirm (using our own name) the Truth about our self, realizing that we are reflecting our statements into Consciousness and that they will be carry out by God.

A B C OF RELATIONSHIPS

Do you really want to change others?  Well you can’t. You can only change yourself.  Trying to change others is called co-dependence, and it is your problem, not theirs.  Besides, it’s awfully arrogant for you to have decided that they need fixed.

Jesus told us in (Matthew 7:1-2) “Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get.”

Now he wasn’t just talking about what comes out of your mouth.  Most of us know better than to criticize someone to their face. (Some of us don’t)  But, Jesus was usually talking about the spiritual level – so he is saying that in a great relationship you can’t even think a critical thought.

Lord knows, most people don’t even hear what you say, they are too busy thinking about what they are going to say once you shut up.  What they do pick up on, though, is your energy. And if you are thinking critically about them, they will detect that.

So let me give you the A B C’s of creating a great relationship with your spouse, your friends, your parents, your boss, or anyone.  ‘A’ is for Awareness.  Rather than focusing on someone else’s faults, be aware of your own character defects.  Make a list of all your flaws, not so that you can feel guilty over them, but so that you can be aware of them and how they affect your life.  Then be willing to turn your character defects over to God and ask for healing.

‘B’ is to Believe that you started any and all problems.  If you take responsibility for the relationship challenges, then you empower yourself to be able to change them. You are not a victim in the relationship.  One person can’t have a fight, it takes two.  So own up to your part in the problem and work on that.

‘C’ is for Coping tools.  If you know that this person always blows up when a particular thing happens, go into the situation with tools for coping with it.  Rather than react, breathe.  Rather than be offended, just observe their behavior.  When you have healed your own character defects, you wont have to react to theirs.

‘D’ is for Doing an energy change.  When you are grounded in your Christ center you will not be easily upset.  Don’t approach a volatile person with an energy that says, “I’m ready to take you on, let’s fight.”  Also do not approach them with an energy that says, “I’m a poor little victim.”  When you come from your Christ center, you will be able to recognize the Christ in others.  This will alter the whole energy exchange that you have with them.

‘E’ is for Ethics.  Approach every relationship ethically.  If you treat others fairly, they will usually reciprocate.  It comes back around to the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  This is a simple rule that we all know, but do we truly apply it in our relationships?

I would like to close with something written by Ernest Holmes. He said:
A new light is coming into the world.  We are on the borderland of a new experience.  The veil between Spirit and matter is very thin.  The invisible passes into visibility through our faith in it.  A new science, a new religion, and a new philosophy are rapidly being developed.  This is in line with the evolution of the great Presence and nothing can hinder its progress.  It is useless, as well as foolish, to make any attempts to cover this Principle, or to hold It as a vested right of any religion, sect or order.  The Truth will out; the Spirit will make Itself known.  Happy are we if we see these things which, from the foundation of the human race, have been longed for by all aspiring souls.

SCRIPTURE: 2 Corinthians 3:18; Matthew 5:48; Matthew 7:1-2

REFERENCE: Children Learn What They Live Dorothy Law Nolte, PhD; The Science of Mind Ernest Holmes

Last updated November 5, 2006